Seuss’ stories are of course fun for “children” of all ages. So if you’re depressed or simply feeling down, reading pretty much any Dr. Seuss book – preferably out loud – can uplift your spirits. Reading the same book to happy, squealing kids can infect you with the same happiness. In fact, I read his alphabet book to a couple of squealingly happy five-year old twins a few days ago and I’m still smiling.

As I always point out, this blog looks at life from a very blunt perspective. I hold very litttle back, and that makes some people uncomfortable. It’s for them to look down on me than to consciously realize that “it could have been them.” Be forewarned, then decide if you want to continue reading. But if you’re in the state I’ve been in, you might want to read, to understand that there’s always hope.

I’ve been miserable since my last career effectively ended after 9/11, primarily because my standard of living tanked. It was nice to be able to eat.

One of the first important things in my life to go (after the career) was my car, and then my car insurance a year later. I’ve been without a car for just over five years and it hasn’t been fun, to put it mildly. I’ve lived in Toronto with and without a car, and I prefer without. You just don’t need it there, unless you work outside the city. And in the last city I lived in, I didn’t really need a car there either. I lived minutes from the bus station – even cooked there for a while, trying to get back on my feet.

But when I returned back to my de facto hometown in 2004, I knew it’d be tough without a car. I live in the south end, which has historically been poorly served by city transit. The transit commission made things worse last year by changing their schedule from a 30-minute cycle to a 40-minute one – instead of going to 20 minutes like they’d planned. The nearest grocery store is about a 25-30 minute walk there, and longer back if I’m carrying heavy bags. By bus it’s actually even longer both ways because of the way the bus routes are set.

To make things worse for me, the only commercial movie theatre closed over a year ago and moved to the north end of the city, about 7 miles away – a bus ride of at least 45 minutes, maybe more. And if I missed one coming out, a long wait in the cold or an expensive bus ride back. Watching movies was the one indulgence I kept even at my poorest, since I’ve wanted to make movies for a long time. There was no question that I had to keep seeing movies. Without a car, I’ve been out of luck here. Were I already in Toronto – where I’ve lived on and off over many years – it wouldn’t be an issue. I don’t need a car there, for the most part. But I do where I am at present.

Fortunately, I finally have a car as of last week, thanks to help from my father. I had had to give up my beloved green Subaru GT in 2002 because of my financial situation. The primary reason I fell into that situation was due to a car dealership going bankrupt and the owners intentionally screwing over four or five customers, including me. (There are other factors, but they were the catalyst.) They took my old Subaru wagon but didn’t pay off the bank lease. So the bank went after me, illegally harrassing myself and family members for four years – despite the due diligence I followed at their request. They didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.

My mother’s divorce lawyer – who knew nothing about these types of matters – gleefully told me I could be sued, but I’d done my research and told her she was wrong. I was shocked at how happy she was telling me that. In response to my saying she was wrong, she kept my only copies of all the papers and receipts I’d submitted to her. It was many months before I got them back, and only because I launched a complaint to the law society. They were mostly unsympathetic but did request that she return my papers and receipts. She wouldn’t even apologize, despite being completely wrong and unprofessional to boot.

After I lost my last work contract in Dec 2001, shortly after the terrible events of 9/11, all the money I’d saved to by out my Subaru GT’s lease – not the one the bank was after, but the next one – eventually had to be used to pay bills. Unfortunately, I’d spent other hard-earned money to buy a lot of gear for a recording studio, hoping to expand into that type of work, since I’d actually wanted get out of contracting. But because of events, I ended up having to sell my musical instruments and most of recording gear at about $0.30 on the dollar. Some of the items had been mostly untouched.

After that, I borrowed money from family members, and that ran out. People treated me differently after 9/11, which made me miserable, which in turn must have made other people uncomfortable. I had a hard time getting work, even in restaurants. And when I did get it, I had to put up with young line cooks who wanted to give me a hard time. Or I had to do coat check in a nightclub. When young ladies tipped because of the crazy hair “punk Elvis” hair I had, sometimes boyfriends would get jealous and actually take the tip back.

That hurt more than anything else, emotionally and physically. My amount of tips decided whether I would eat certain meals on the weekend or not. Friday’s tips meant I could go to the Farmer’s Market on Saturday afternoon. I’d gone from once eating quite well to eating about a half meal each day, sometimes substituting a proper meal with “mr. noodles” and “mr. freeze”.

This terrible diet took its toll on me and triggered a long-term illness that I’m still struggling to cope with. (I sometimes had an option of a free meal in some restaurants I worked in, but I was often too busy or too tired to take the meal. And then I’d have to walk home because the buses stopped running – too exhausted to eat anything at home either.)

To wrap up a long story, I’ve put a lot of this behind me, except for the illness. I’ve even stopped wondering what career I would pursue, since my heart knew all along: movies. Now, only a day after getting my new car last week, my whole demeanour must have changed. I find people suddenly being friendly to me, girls smiling at me. Believe me, this is something that hasn’t happened in a very, very long time.

I mentioned this to my brother a few days ago, and his response was, “Your identity is tied up in being mobile.” Or something like that. And it’s true. Long ago, I gave myself the nickname “The Wanderer.” We grew up spending a lot of time visiting friends in both the U.S. and Canada, travelling by car. I enjoy driving, being able to go where I want when I want. Without that freedom, I feel like a caged bird. I tried for five years to be “green” and live without a car, but in some cities, it’s just impossible without feeling caged – even for someone like myself that works from home. Maybe because of that.

You’d think that I shouldn’t let external factors such as this bother me to the point of changing my life. Maybe not, but we’re human. Ideals are something to strive for, but we live through our flaws. When you consider that I’d lost so much the past seven years, you might feel differently.

For reasons I won’t get into here, I left behind many cameras and computer gear and  other irreplaceable “things” in Atlanta. I lost my career of two decades probably due to being miserable about how people treated me after 9/11. I had to give up my entire recording studio, which I’d hoped would help me into a new career doing movie and TV soundtracks. I lost my favorite car. Friends that I’d helped many times offered crocodile tears.

There’s more but it’s not something I want to get into. Suffice it to say that things are more noticeably changing for me, but it took several years. About six years, in fact.

The lesson? No matter how bad things are, even if your affirmations go wrong, if you stick it out, you can eventually turn the negative tide. You might get bruised and battered and hurt during the journey, but consider the alternatives. Don’t try to change things in huge leaps and bounds. Apply small changes.

This is a powerful way to accomplish goals. I know, because I used to use them for many years. But for long, complex reasons I won’t get into here (yet), I haven’t done affirmations for many years – since shortly after my last offline contract ended, or about five years. Yet just over a week ago, mid-week, being excited at some of my future prospects, I fired up a fresh mindmap and recorded some new affirmations.

What happened? A sequence of “bad” things:

1. My computer shuts down on its own less than an hour after I made my affirmations. I couldn’t turn it back on until morning, and the error message was not encouraging. (I’ve never seen such a message, despite my decades of computer and web programming experience.)
2. Since I make my living online, I get a bit worried and make my next computer purchase early. I thought I’d lost my computer and all the data and software on it. But the service desk managed to resolve the problem.
3. Of course, my cash flow is impacted and I have to end several small partnered projects.
4. Some of my writers understandably get upset that I have to pay them “late” for November work. (I usually try to pay immediately at the beginning of the next month, even though I don’t get paid until mid-month, and sometimes even longer, by the time money gets transferred from PayPal to my bank account.) The unfortunate part is that several of them didn’t have the courtesy to tell me they were quitting, and in some cases I end up having to do their assigned work for several weeks.
5. Today, I lose one of my big freelancing gigs due to budget restraints.
6. My plan to get a car after five years without (I was trying to be green, but also couldn’t afford it) is going to be delayed. Unfortunately, I need the car to accept a big gig offered to me tentatively for February.
7. Either that or move to Toronto immediately, which isn’t working just yet, as I mentioned in How to be happy.

However, despite this sequence of normally stressful events, I have this really weird feeling that there’s nothing to worry about. It’s hard to explain it, but I feel as if the old saying “when one door closes, another opens” is happening to me multi-fold. Let’s see what happens.

Addendum: Be careful what you wish for, because in setting that in motion, you might lose other things.

I’m one of those people who have been denying themselves, but in my defense, I didn’t realize it. Let me paint a quick picture, but I’ll warn you now that I’m not holding much back below, as it’s important to understand how we get into downward spirals in our lives. Though there is a happy ending – or will be. The lesson comes after the list of misery. The timeline is approximate, with a bit of jumping around.

The Spiralling Descent into Anti-Nirvana

If you’re not in the mood for this list, jump down past to learn what I learned.

1. Pre-9/11, I was contracting for IBM Canada and making reasonably good money, hot on the heels of a nice contract in Atlanta, Georgia. (Where I left a lot of my belongings behind, though that’s another story.)

2. IBM builds a big facility north of Toronto, Canada, and moves all of us, then starts letting some contracts and employees go, especially after 9/11.
3. Except that I’d already paid first and last on an apartment in a town called Kitchener (once called Berlin), twin city to Waterloo, which is the home of RIM and the Blackberry phones/ devices, not to mention Waterloo University – one of Bill Gates’ favorite places to hire from up here.
4. Post-9/11, some people who know me start treating me weirdly. I get angry and bitter, have to suffer through other people’s road rage, and $600/mth highway toll fees. Then my contract ends early instead of being extended by a year.
5. I start a spiralling descent for a period that lasts three years while living in Kitchener. But what saves me is my cat to keep me company, lots of theaters to watch movies in, and my long-time “sister” and her husband as my upstairs neighbors. I was suddenly poor and got ill over time but was otherwise oddly peaceful.
6. Despite finding time to finally write my short fiction and getting a computer book deal shortly after losing the IBM contract, computer contracts are not forthcoming. It takes me 5 years to realize that my anger probably sunk that career.
7. I have to start selling off my $25,000 worth of recording gear, including 9 guitars/ basses, 5 synths and other items at about thirty cents on the dollar. It’s a huge loss that contributes to later putting me into bankrupcty. I eventually have to give up my beloved green Subaru GT, which I’d saved money to buy out the lease with, but now have to pay off the recording gear debts with. There goes a potential career as a soundtrack composer.
8. At some point I lose my Internet connection and cell phone for non-payment of monthly fees. I have to stop blogging (2002). Even though I used to work for a Bell Canada division, I couldn’t convince them to give me another month for the phone so I could find work.
9. It becomes hard to get work, but my mother – kind woman that she is – puts me through a fast-track cooking school, only for me to “find” how racist a lot of restaurant owners are in that town. Much, much later, after I leave the town, I realize it was me, my intimidating frown. But in the meantime, I have to work doubly hard to find even dishwashing jobs. Are you depressed yet? Don’t be. I learned a lot, as is revealed below.
10. My brother eventually buys me a cell phone so that I can actually get calls for jobs. I cook and wash dishes for two years in about a dozen restaurants, for crap wages (and no tips), sometimes working up to 85 hours per week, not having time to eat, and getting sicker without realizing it. I live, believe it or not, on “Mr Noodle” and “Mr Freeze”, which of course triggers diabetic symptoms – fortunately on a borderline scale instead of full-fledged. Eventually my debts are too much, despite my parent’s help (totalling $20,000, for which I’m still trying to pay them), and I have to declare bankruptcy.
11. Truncating the timeline… I return to my home town (or the closest thing to it) as I have a chance at getting in to a Master’s and PhD, only to find politics – which I cannot cope with. I give up after 3 semesters and work for my mother, as well as start blogging again – thanks to a gift from my father of two computers and later an Internet connection.
12. Fast forward to now: I’m still not making as much as I made as a consultant, but it’s better than I did in Kitchener, barely surviving on about $1,000-1,200/mth in wages for most of that period. Though I have a bit more money, I’m still empty inside, still feel isolated – of my own making, again without realizing it.
13. Why? Because I’ve been denying myself many, many simple pleasures, and feeling that I have to stay where I am out of some misfounded obligation when it’s really not true. This is my sin: misunderstanding.
14. I want to move back to Toronto, but that doesn’t seem to be happening quite yet.
15. What’s the solution? Why the place that I was actually happy once of course. It’s a detour for now, but at the least will make me happy.

The Plan

Despite all that I went through while living in Kitchener, and despite the eery resemblance of my life to the happenings of a main character in a novella I wrote (Fall From Grace), I had a revelation tonight, just before falling asleep, that I brought all that three years of misery upon myself in layer after layer, due to my own misunderstandings about myself. And people around me just reflected my state of mind back onto to me.

I still felt very peaceful in those times, despite everything, I had numerous friends that I’d known for nearly a decade, and had the atmosphere of a mini-Toronto to boot.

Putting time limits on my goals only served to make me miserable, saying I had to do such and such by a certain time. I no longer believe in time in the same way I did for most of my life. And tonight was the culmination of my thoughts for the past three years since leaving Kitchener.

My plan: return there, then make it Toronto to make movies whenever. No time limits. Enjoy good friends and being able to easily see a movie in a theater (not possible where I am now) or walk to the Farmer’s Market, shoot some pool, babysit my “sister’s” four cats or what have you. Things that I simply can’t do right now, where I am, because of the location in town, and the state of this town’s transit system.

Moral

The moral of the story is multi-fold:

1. Sometimes you broker your own disasters and think it’s everyone else’s fault.
2. Sometimes, what you think you want isn’t really what you want or need.
3. Lots of money or little money, you can be happy independently of that.
4. Don’t punish yourself; forgive and let go, then rebuild.
5. Don’t set time limits on long-term goals based on meeting them by a certain age. You’ll just be miserable if you don’t do this.
6. As mystical as it might sound, it’s really just pragmatic not to worry about time long-term. Do what you have to do to get to your goals, but don’t deny yourself the simple pleasures of life.
7. It’s not failure if you need to take a detour in your goal plans, provided you’re still moving in the right general direction.

In theory we sleep less because we don’t have enough time, we’ve got too many things to get done. Yet the truth is, we’d get far more done each day (and consume less too) if we got enough rest.

But I’m a practical person, I know that just because I say that we should sleep more doesn’t mean that you, or even I, am going to sleep an extra hour a night. So I’ll suggest something a bit more practical, let’s just all promise to spend an extra 1-hour napping each week. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but 1-hour, whether divided over three 20-minute periods for an afternoon pick-me up, or taken all at once for some restorative deep sleep, can have a profound effect on our outlook and effectiveness in life.

[Feel free to skip down to the 10-point list if you like.] Depression destroys lives, robs strength and spirit. It’s considered to be the fourth most important cause of disability worldwide, and expected to grow to second place by 2020. That’s very frightening. In the past, it was “wrong” to talk about it and an admission of weakness. But with numbers like this, talking about it is important in coping.

For those of us who try to keep depression under control and manage to live functional lives, it still sometimes sneaks up and destroys the hard-fought productivity we’ve gained. I make no bones about it; this is a very frank and open weblog. I suffer from the screaming blue meanies (seasonal affected disorder aka SAD aka seasonal depression) from about October to March. If you don’t want to read more, stop now and go elsewhere.

Usually, January isn’t as bad as December or February, but I’m going through a particular bad winter and a particular bad day today as I write this. However, I have a freelance writing business to run and I haven’t been able to do much of my contract work all day. So I’ve been going through my partially written personal blog posts (as opposed to doing paid work), finishing them up and publishing a few. Even though I wrote twelve posts for one client over the weekend, I can’t seem to bring myself to actually posting them to the weblog, partially out of guilt from not progressing on larger projects for the same client. It’s not rational, this unseen barrier stopping me.

So I’m trying to utilize my time to the best of my ability and to get at least partial productivity today. And that’s really one of the most fundamental ways to cope with depression, especially if you’re like me and refuse to take allopathic pharmaceuticals (I take homeopathic and naturopathic medicines, apply ayurvedic principles, and take vitamins for my SAD and hypothyroid problem. The latter already affects my concentration and productivity; depression worsens it.)

10 Tips For Fighting Depression

I’ve done a bit of research into fighting depression recently and I’ve put together ten brief tips for fighting depression, leaving medication out of the list (excepting vitamins), as it doesn’t work for everyone. Most of these tips are probably common sense but it’s sometimes hard to think rationally when you’re depressed, and thus easy to forget.

1. Get sufficient sleep.
   I’ve always burned the candle at both ends. It’s a flaw of being a type-A, driven, workaholic personality. Lack of sleep multiplies the effects of depression. If you can’t get a full 6-8 hours each night, try 15-30 minute catnaps through out the day. I’ve tried implementing Steve Pavlina’s attempt at polyphasic rhythm-based sleep, but I can’t quite pull it off yet. I have however been very successful in using Pzizz’s two free 15-minute energizer audio MP3 recordings for power naps several times a day. It’s unbelievable how much these help. I’ve also successfully been using binaural beats to positively affect alpha, beta, theta, etc., brainwaves. (More on that in the future.)

2. Reduce stress.
   Stress can be invisible and subconscious, and it can come from guilt about a variety of things, personal and professional. For example, as I write this article, I’m suffering from guilt for not working on client projects, which I’ve been unable to do for most of the day. That means I have to make up for this lack tomorrow, which in turn induces anxiety. It’s tough, stressful cycle. If you don’t keep stress under control, it can induce productivity-grinding panic and anxiety attacks. Naps, a walk around the neighbourhood, and exercise can help alleviate the effects immensely. Remember: you cannot learn effectively with stress weighing you down. Sometimes, practicing detachment from your worries will solve your stress.

3. Get sufficient exercise.
   It’s not just a matter of getting blood flowing, though that’s part of it. But getting outside and getting sunlight and fresh air is important because it rejuvenates you. If you work at home like I do, this is especially important. I find that despite being a hermit thinker type, physical activity makes me feel great during times of depression. Blood flow and adrenaline seem to stave off the worst effects. Though it’s sometimes hard to remember that exercise or keeping busy helps.

4. Meditate.
   Meditation can be an effective means to reducing stress and thus depression. It can also help you to become aware of what is causing your guilt, your stress, and often help you achieve some detachment from those “problems” you cannot do anything about. In short, it helps you achieve perspective, to see where to focus your attention. I’ve been meditating on and off for about 20 years. (I’ve done over 10,000 hours of meditation, part of the requirement of becoming a Buddhist monk, though not all under a “master”, which disqualifies me.)

5. Add some colour to your wardrobe.
   Tough for me, an ex-goth who still wears mostly all-black, but all dark clothes all the time increases the effects of depression. Colour stimulates positive feelings. I find blood red or a hunter green shirt helps me. Some people prefer yellow, orange or peach, or prints or paisleys. You can also add colour to your life through art therapy.

6. Eat properly.
   You know eating properly applies all the time but it’s even more crucial for those suffering from depression. I find grains, nuts, and fruit help me, and staying away from fried foods and refined carbs. I have a friend, a gifted classical guitarist, who ends up in the hospital every three or four years because of the massive amount of fast food he eats nearly every single day, and without vegetables at that. (He’s had around three meltdowns in the decade or so I’ve known him, and hasn’t worked in that time.) Even a fresh submarine/ hoagy/ rocket with lots of free toppings (i.e., veggies) is better than fries, gravy, burgers and pizzas several times a week like he has. (I’m not knocking them, as I eat them, but not every day.) Seek out healthy snacks or make your own, eat nutritious foods and add colourful vegetables and leafy items.

7. Take your vitamins.
   Learn your E, B, Cs. And Zinc, Folic acid, iron supplements, etc. Poor diet robs us of many absolutely essential nutrients. If you are not going to change your diet, whatever your reason, at least replenish those nutrients.

8. Drink water.
   The proper amount of fluids helps keep your skin from getting dry in the winter time – the “season” in seasonal depression. It also helps clear out some of the toxins in your body. And by the way, it’s NOT 8 glasses per day for everyone. The proper amount is based on your body weight, age, activity level, and other factors.

9. Add extra lighting.
   Research shows that adding some warm, bright lights helps fight the effects of depression. You don’t have to spend $150+ on special lamps; just increase the wattage in some of your light bulbs. Also, fluorescent lights are less bright than they appear. Try to replace them if possible.

10. Smile.
    It’s not a guaranteed nor permanent cure, but it does help sometimes, if you can maintain a smile for a few minutes. I watch The Comedy Network (Canada) sometimes, as laughing helps – at least temporarily, like chicken soup sort of helps a cold. Remembering to do so is key, so you may need to tape some visual reminders to your mirrors or computer, etc.

Disclaimer: I am by no means a doctor and don’t pretend to be. There’s more than one way to fight depression. If you have insidious, persistent depression, consider seeing a doctor, pyschiatrist or a therapist. (For some people, drugs may be the only answer.) Thus, the information provided here is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice – only the findings of someone who suffers from seasonal depression. You use the information found here at your own risk only.

Chris wrote about phototherapy in his DSLR (digital SLR) blog, about how he de-stresses by taking his camera and going out to a park to shoot a few pics. I suppose part of it is the outdoors part, smell freshing air when you’ve been cooped up in the office at work or even at home. When I lived in Ottawa (Canada’s capital) in early 1982, I used to go out regularly, early on Saturday or Sunday mornings to shoot the sun rising over the two graveyards near by. As it was winter, and Ottawa was nasty cold back then, I’d have to put on 4 or 5 layers of clothes – but you just can’t take pics with mitts or gloves on.

Nevertheless, no matter how much I was shivering, with fingers freezing, at the end of a session, I always felt good afterwards. I particular find that shooting waterfalls, rivers, and trees to be highly relaxing.

The problem for me, though, is that I have a crazy relationship with photography. I’ve always considered myself a writer, but I’d rather have been a photographer. (There’s just somthing so invigorating about communicating with photography.) It just never works out that way for me. I keep buying cameras and keep getting into situations where I either have to sell them, or end up leaving them behind. (I left 3 hard-body nikons/ pentax, 1 olympus digital, and sony digital camcorder behind in Atlanta, Georgia in September 2000. I haven’t been able to recover from here in Canada.)

I think I know why I have this problem with cameras, and it has to do with guilt. I was brought up to seek a “respectable” profession. While I can justify writing as a career via technical writing and project management, photography is always, in my guilty mind, a creative endeavour – something that is frowned up from my cultural background as far as a career goes.

But what I have done in the past to assuage myself of this guilt is to make sure that I nuture the photography bug in other people. In early 1991, I returned to my “home” town from the big smoke (Toronto) to finish my university degree that I’d skipped out on a few years previous. Later that year, I volunteered as a math tutor at my old high school.

Two male students were assigned to me. One ended up in juvie for something he did. The other one spent a bit of time with me. I could tell that he was rather intelligent, but he had trouble with math. When I met him a year ago, 13 years since I’d last seen him, he told me that he had later found out he had attention deficit disorder (ADD). But neither of us knew this back then.

Since traditional tutoring didn’t help, I asked him what he had an interest in. Way back in the 1970s (I think), there was a TV sitcom called WKRP in Cincinnati. If my memory doesn’t fail me, one of the DJs, known as Venus Flytrap, was asked to teach science to a high school kids from low-income families – kids who for obvious reasons didn’t always feel that they could learn. He used the paradigm of gangs and territories to teach them about atoms, electrons, and protons. It’s fiction, of course, but it worked.

Inspired by that, and always looking for an opportunity to teach in that manner (my father is a retired mathematics professor), I asked my young friend what interested him. For him it was photography. Fortunately, I was volunteering at the local university’s student newspaper, both as a writer and photographer. Inspiration struck me, and I took him under my wing as my photo apprentice (I’m the perpetual “amateur professional” photographer).

I taught him math via lens apertures and focal lengths. And it worked. Sort of. He still had the undiscovered ADD issue, but he did do better in class, and enjoyed doing photography work with me besides. I also managed to teach him how to process black and white film and to make prints – the latter being another application of mathematics.

So for me, photography is more than a means of communication. It is a creative outlet, a teaching tool, and a therapeutic device.

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